Tuesday, September 7, 2010

My tolerance.

My tolerance level for absolutely anything has began decreasing over the years of experiencing all the extra bullshit that came to my life. Pretty much anything can piss me off these days. I no longer can ignore the obvious, I can if I tried. But sometimes. Things are so stupid I just can’t help but look at it and wonder. Wow. What a world I live in.
Not sure whether it’s amazing or unfortunate. I blame my tolerance on my experience.

I get through some of my days through pure anguish. Completely being careless of everything in my path whether or not it means something to me.

One day, if I am truly ever to find someone that knows me so well. That reads me like a book. I’ll truly be amazed. Because even until this day, I can barely analyze myself.

People are complicated.

There are some people who would like to take pity and sympathy so they know people care.

On the other hand. There are also people who would rather you not ask them, “what’s wrong” because they hate pity or sympathy. There are so many different crowds and everyone wants something different.

And I’m left lost and not knowing how to treat everyone. Because apparently. Everything is different, they want different things, have different lives. In general. Everyone’s different and it’s hard for one person alone to please everyone.
If I were to care for someone who completely despises sympathy, they’d look at me as if I’m some sugarcoater. But if I don’t. They will assume I don’t care at all.

Do you see how senseless everything is. People are complicated, so overly complicated to the point where “world peace” will always be a dream. Never a reality. Simply, no one will agree on one single factor. Everyone will have their own perspective and mind-sets. Which makes it hard for anyone to comply.

It's frustrating

It’s frustrating to realize in this economy. You have to get extremely good grades that will define your place in the economy and which jobs you get, or high paying or low it all depends on what teachers write down on your report cards and tests.
Why do letters and numbers have to justify your ability to get through life successfully or not. And money. They say you shouldn’t be greedy for money, because it doesn’t make you happy.
But when you take a look around. Everything revolves around money. You need to get a job. A job why? For money. To buy what you want. You buy with money. Money is a struggle to some, and completely easy for others.
It’s also frustrating that people with profound talents can become famous and become profited and overloaded with money within the time they are known throughout the world because of a particular talent. While others work so hard just to be able to move out and raise a family. Seems to be very hard. Because apparently. It’s either ride or die.
Why do grades have to define you, and your ability to get specific jobs. Some people can be the most intelligent, and yet they find no point in getting good grades, so they choose to slack off because they see no point in it. And I don’t blame them. In this economy it’s very high-maintenanced, high expectations. Everything is high, prices, debts, murders, fights, wars. Everything.
And yet these people worry about what is stamped onto your grades and averages to define where you are put in the economy. Life’s more than a couple of letters/numbers.
A lot of people are capable. And yet they are put down because they believe bullshit grades are what determine who is who. And who is deserving. Frustrating the economy I live in.

Monday, September 6, 2010


Admitting certain factors gets harder and harder everyday for people. Simply because of the society we live in, it’s hard to admit sexuality, feelings, emotions, and even truths. Because simply put. We are scared. We are sometimes scared of what people will think and view us as. We are scared of what they might do, what they might categorize us as, the way they look at us. Because if one factor changes, everything else changes. And it’s hard to everyone to be truthful, so we remain hiding the truths and keeping it all bottled up. And it seems that’s the only way to really get through life without being criticized.
Sometimes it’s hard to admit feelings for a person because we worry they will think differently, and everything will be ruined. In ANY sexuality, this applies to all. We’re all not that different. But yet the society we live in, are so over-religious/shallow/non-accepting that they believe we must follow all guidelines of certain religions/laws/rules/opinions, and if not. We will be looked down upon and put down. Yes. That’s the reality of the world. Non-acceptance.

No matter what it is. Not everyone will accept. And it’s hard for some people to be “free”. Because it seems any step we take, we will be watched. And if it seems “wrong” to another individual. We will be enforced, brought down, criticized and some even killed.
So yes admitting certain things is very hard, especially realizing where you are living, people are taught to believe things aren’t meant to be happen, and whoever doesn’t follow that guideline, is different from every else and shouldn’t be accepted.
I believe the logic behind it is entirely senseless. Because first of all, what does someone’s life have anything to do with you? Who the fuck are you? People will go separates ways, make different choices, but who are you to tell them what they can/cannot do? You are not a god. You are another human-being attempting to bring down another because you just purely cannot get over it. And accept what is bound to happen.
And the fact is. The one person you believe you know everything about, is probably hiding one of their biggest secrets for years and never even telling you a word about it, because they know. They know that some people will think differently, and they don’t want any unnecessary hate, attention, or eyes set upon. And they spend their life telling people what they want to hear, because they are scared, they have seen what has happen to others. They don’t want to go through the same thing. And everything they hate hiding it. But it’s the only choice they have if they want to get through life without all the bullshit headed their way just because some people can’t simply accept.
One day a recreation will be a made, maybe a new world. I hope I live to see it before my eyes before I die. Because the current world I live in is disgusting.


I always wanted to be a good person with the warm heart. The person who tries to help everyone in need. but sadly no. That’s not me. I have to be the asshole who makes crude remarks at times. I regret so much. All my stupid choices, my inability to make people around me proud, rather than saddened by my choices.

I wanted to be a good person. Seems that’s not happening. I hate the way I am. The way I look at things times. The way I can be so careless and completely over seeing what is in front of me. The fact that sometimes I act a certain way only to get some benefit out of it. When nothing positive is bound to be distributed to me.
I’ve watched people leave me, and myself leaving the friends who others wished for. The friends that made promises and actually kept it. And I ignored it, and left the only friends who could have been so much to me. I admit. I’m not a great person.
And for any person who’s going to say, “You’re a good person what are you talking about?” I know someone’s going to reply to this saying that. Please. don’t give me pity. Just shut the fuck up and listen to me. You are not me, and not realizing the life I live, and what I go through so you can’t say anything. Even if your intent was to make me feel better. I know what I am. And you cannot change that. I appreciate you even thinking that. But you will never know the facts.
And it’s so unfortunate the stupid choices I make. The people I leave, and knowingly. I know they care about me a lot but why, I don’t understand why is it that I choose to leave people for absolutely no reason.
You want to know the last time I made a stupid mistake I can’t take back? Today. It’s everyday. Being a good person isn’t that easy. I’ve realized. It has seemed I’ve fallen into something worse. I can always change. But for now this is me. And for any of you are think I’m great. Trust me. I’m not all that great. I’m like a person who’s about to erupt and show evil to the world at any split-second and you wouldn’t even realize it by that time.
I always wanted to be nice… To the people I loved. The people I cared about. Holding onto the people who have tried being there every day of my life. But no. I push away, and push like a blind person. I’m pretty sure half of you hate me for the asshole I am. I don’t blame you. I never liked myself either.