I always wanted to be a good person with the warm heart. The person who tries to help everyone in need. but sadly no. That’s not me. I have to be the asshole who makes crude remarks at times. I regret so much. All my stupid choices, my inability to make people around me proud, rather than saddened by my choices.
I wanted to be a good person. Seems that’s not happening. I hate the way I am. The way I look at things times. The way I can be so careless and completely over seeing what is in front of me. The fact that sometimes I act a certain way only to get some benefit out of it. When nothing positive is bound to be distributed to me.
I’ve watched people leave me, and myself leaving the friends who others wished for. The friends that made promises and actually kept it. And I ignored it, and left the only friends who could have been so much to me. I admit. I’m not a great person.
And for any person who’s going to say, “You’re a good person what are you talking about?” I know someone’s going to reply to this saying that. Please. don’t give me pity. Just shut the fuck up and listen to me. You are not me, and not realizing the life I live, and what I go through so you can’t say anything. Even if your intent was to make me feel better. I know what I am. And you cannot change that. I appreciate you even thinking that. But you will never know the facts.
And it’s so unfortunate the stupid choices I make. The people I leave, and knowingly. I know they care about me a lot but why, I don’t understand why is it that I choose to leave people for absolutely no reason.
You want to know the last time I made a stupid mistake I can’t take back? Today. It’s everyday. Being a good person isn’t that easy. I’ve realized. It has seemed I’ve fallen into something worse. I can always change. But for now this is me. And for any of you are think I’m great. Trust me. I’m not all that great. I’m like a person who’s about to erupt and show evil to the world at any split-second and you wouldn’t even realize it by that time.
I always wanted to be nice… To the people I loved. The people I cared about. Holding onto the people who have tried being there every day of my life. But no. I push away, and push like a blind person. I’m pretty sure half of you hate me for the asshole I am. I don’t blame you. I never liked myself either.